A Getaway

Which one matters?

It's been a while (again) I kinda "give up" writing. Sounds like a smoker who wanna give up smoking but everyday, can't resist the temptation to think how nice it would be if he/she could light some cigs. Well, in my case, of course I wasn't thinking about smoking!! Come on!! =) I was thinking about how nice it would be if I have enough time to write something, anything, everything... about life, friends, happenings, perfect strangers that I observe, etc. etc. But unfortunately, I don't have that luxury which allows me to write as much as I read (or have been reading?!?!) during this semester, my last semester for this degree (wooo...sounds unimaginable, huh?!?!), or perhaps my last official semester in life (well, I don't think of taking another course in the near future). And you know me well enough to realise that I always cannot stop writing as soon as I start it, he he...

Some of my friends asked me why I hadn't written anything anymore here. Yea, I know...I've missed good moments to be freezed in a form of my expressions at that very moment. Last week, when I was looking for a card, I found the journal I wrote when I was in Jakarta. Strangely enough, I didn't remember the details I wrote there, I didn't remember I've ever experienced the things I was talking about there, and I didn't even remember having ever written the story in such a detailed manner. And that's a good thing...writing something in details since our days, or I should say my days, are not recorded the way movies are produced where you can always play your favourite movies again and again, despite the pervasiveness of surveillance cameras here. Hey, may be I can go to every company or institution that puts those cameras on, ask them for the scenes where I can be located easily, stick them together....and whoalla!!! I got an almost complete picture of my days here without having to write in details anymore, hehehe...you wish...

Anyway...before I go on and on and on...rambling on about this and that...I was only thinking to write about this little conversation I had with one of my friends from China, on the tram, on our way back home. In the last few years, I've come into conclusion that it's not where you are that matters... but with whom you are. It's been quite satisfying my curiousity about why most of the time, if not everytime, I'm at home, I feel like going out and doing something fun under the sun (well, may be it's not a good idea to think about doing something fun under the sun in indo, too hot and humid and polluted). But why then when I'm finally outside, I can also, sometime, miss the comfort that I can only feel when I'm at home? Is it only me who's being complicated? Guess not. I've heard this kind of stuffs from few other people too. So the answer should be...whenever you are, you need to be with the "right" persons. I mean...when you're at home, you need to be with persons who are lively enough to be able to "replicate" (ughh...thanks to too much IBF this week that I now sound like a lecture note) the fun of being outside. And when you're outside, you also need to be with persons whom you're comfortable with to be able to sense the same comfort as you do at home.

But you know what I heard from my friend on the tram? She said, "It doesn't matter where you live as long as you have a job." That's true! I can't imagine how I can live without having a job, which worries me so much at the moment. But what about my idea of the needs to be with the right persons? But...if I go further about what my friend said...isn't it also true that where you work will, to some extent, determine who's gonna be around you for at least one-third of your time in a day? So...which one are you after, primarily at least? Right persons or job?

at the end of the day...

1. your life and everything you own or acquire should be able to be summarised into a single word
2. you cannot be everyone's someone and you don't have to be
3. there are only a few people who are close enough to know your vulnerability, yet at the same time, casual enough to finger your mistakes without being afraid of losing you

am too busy, but this bit is too damn wise

This is what an extremely humble person teaches me...


iya atau ga iya, kan tetep jd temen.

mau nyari temen susah , ada temen masa mau di jadiin musuh.

kan aneh.


Well, talking is easy, but as far as I know... of those many many people he knows or know him, I've always heard comments that he's a nice guy whenever his name comes out in the discussion. And I've never heard him saying bad things about others either. May be to him, a person is all about nice characters he/she has. Or may be, at least, that's how he chooses to see people. So I guess... what he said to me in his mail must have been the one taking him this far, to the point where he is now.


Miss ya,
 

A Survival Kit

Here's a tough weekend-lesson that I should learn from:

Whenever a person ask you a difficult, or actually...a bloody unexpected, question, the safest thing to do is to reply it with another question. Otherwise, you'll regret that you have ever answered that question!! At the very minimum level of brainwork, you can always twist that person's question into a negative form of it. Let say... he/she ask, "Do we...?" Then, it's your turn to answer, "Don't we?" That IS easy. As simple as 1, 2, 3. I should have kept that in mind.

what I learnt...

a man can have pride that's higher than the height of any high places, or even any skies, can be
no doubt about it

Live Life to the Fullest

I got this in an email from my friend at ABN Amro Jakarta. I dunno who wrote this or even from whom she got this. All I know is that it's really worth reading and remembering. This is really gud!!



Don't let go of hope
Hope gives you the strength to keep going
When you feel like giving up

Don't ever quit believing in yourself
As long as you believe you can
You will have reason for trying

Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their hands
Hold it in yours, so it will always be within your reach

Don't measure success or failure by material wealth
But by how you feel
Our feelings determine the richness of our lives

Don't let bad moments overcome you
Be patient
And they will pass

Don't hesitate to reach out for help
We all need it
from time to time

Don't run away from love but towards love
Because it is your deepest joy

Don't wait for what you want to come to you
Go after it with all that you are
Knowing that life will meet you halfway

Don't feel like you've lost
When plans and dreams fall short of your hopes
Anytime you learn something new
About yourself or about life
You have progressed

Don't do anything that takes away
From your self-respect
Feeling good about yourself
Is essential to feeling good about life

Don't ever forget how to laugh
Or be too proud to cry
Or too stubborn to smile

Don't ever forget a friend who truly loves you
As it could be that friend who is true to your needs
Don't ever forget who helped you grow as your need
For more seeds may often re-appear

With all the above live life to its fullest!!!

Is there any world without comparison?

I've just read an email from my friend which reminds me of one of my bestfriends. This partner-in-crime I'm talking about has just been promoted few months ago. I believed she's managed to accomplish the target that made her officially become a new manager. I'm so proud of her. And now I'm thinking about job and career again. The fear that I've been trying to ignore.

I've been thinking about it once in a while since the end of last year. Every day I'm living brings me closer to the end of this 'get away'. In less than a year, I will get a master degree, well, I have to finisih the course by the end of this year, after all. And before that time, I will have to have applied for a job. Meaning...I'll have to go through all the anxieties of getting a good-paying job again. When I was still working for the bank, though it's really tough to escalate myself in the company's hierarchy, or even to develop the inner me, I somewhat felt safe from the hassle of job hunting (at least for some time). I knew I'd been running from the conscience of doing and being the best I could. My k always reminds me that I'm still young that it's not the time for me be 'nyantai-nyantai'. "But, at least for some time, I deserve a break," I said to myself.

Where should I apply for a job? Which department/division? What kind of expertise can I offer? What kind of job that I enjoy doing? What do I want? How much salary should I ask? How much do I deserve? Everyone knows that once you're being in a company, it's very hard for you to get a salary increase -I know that some people were lucky enough with his/her networking charm when dealing with this kind of salary increase or promotion stuffs. So, the best thing to do is to propose a 'high enough' salary when you're being interviewed. But then, what could make my proposed figures justified? Am I better that the other applicants? There are so many people looking for a job nowadays that they are willing to be paid 'slightly' lower than the other candidates as long as they can get the job. How can I transfer the bargaining power into my side?

I once said this to my bestfriend. I'm now living the moment as hanging on to the past or the future can take me nowhere except to the state of content. So, I will 'minimize' the degree of comparing myself with the past of me or hoping/waiting for the future of me to change. But then, even when I'm living in the present, I will always have people around me to compare myself with. That's what people do, comparing their salaries with those of people of same age, same educational background, same etc. etc. It's good in a sense that you can gauge how far you've been outperforming others or been lagging behind, or simply whether you've been on the right track or not. But it can also be such  discouragement. And surely intensify my fear! Am I too old for that kind of competition?

Temperature : 36.6C
Humidity : 32%
The fluid is evaporating far more quickly than the intake's frequency. I don't even need to pee, it's gone already =)

MISSING and WAITING

Remember the list? Well... No. 3 checked. No. 5 crossed out.

Couldn't wait for another day, I had an early escapade of having a Baretto's latte an hour before the 'meeting'. As I was walking away from the AGB, I recalled the times when I warmed up myself by holding a cup of coffee tightly before a class during winter last year. And as I sipped the coffee slowly, the aroma and the taste brought back the memory of having it (so much that I didn't really care whether it's a good one or not) just to keep me awake and geared up for any readings or lectures. A regular macchiato couldn't help me through the Financial Statement Analysis class, though ;p I'll soon be in those environment again, I thought -yea, yea, I've lost half of the holiday :(. Then I asked myself, is that the one I'm actually looking forward to when I said that I was excited to start a new semester? hmmm... same thing with the idea of "I miss ... (someone/something)".

When we say that we miss someone/something, "I miss Indo" for example, do we really miss that person/thing? Ermmm...I don't think so. May be the correct sentence should sound like this, "I miss my family and friends in Indo". But then again, does it become justifiable? Again I must say, I don't think so. Because it's supposed to be, " I miss being the person I was, and being with my family and friends as they were, and doing things as we did on one of those old days". Everything changes -the place, the people (even if some people may not change for a relatively short period of time, I know I'm a different person now). So my point is that when we say that we miss someone/something, we, in fact, are missing what belongs to the past. You don't know how tomorrows are gonna be unfolded. So things may turn out against what you've been missing.

My sis was ill early this year. So she already got her (sick) leave that her workload won't allow her any more off during these months, when I'm still having my holiday. Meaning...she's not coming here. So I thought I'll have to wait for another 6 months. But the wed has been postponed. Meaning...it's gonna run the way it's said in the first place, 2 years away permitting no interlude.

When I was about to leave Indo, I thought I was gonna wait for only couple months. So I thought that March's gonna be my first pit stop. Then it became April or May -I was even willing to sacrifice my last school days before exam. Then July turned out to be impossible, as well as the next 3 months. Then this 3-month holiday I have, or at least next July. Yet suddenly, I'm back to square one. I think I'm gonna stop waiting now, waiting for anything or anyone to come here for waiting has failed me. Or should I be thankful as waiting has survived me this far by boosting me to keep moving?

O well...Get some sleep, Ayna... ^^

A Mother's Day

"Selamat hari ibu...di tingkat nasional...Hehe.." That's a part of my sms to my mom yesterday as we also have an international Mother's Day. Ermmm...do we have our own Father's Day in Indonesia??? Anyway... some thoughts to ponder...it is not easy to be a mom. I think the more we grow up, the more we love our parents since we start to understand how substantial the responsibility and sacrifice they must bear for us to be good persons.


Talking about being a mom...a mom like mine...the process takes much more than just occasionally dry and rough hand, some overcooked meals, or discolored laundry, I believe =) For a little child, a mom must be his/her world, his/her everything. For a teenager, a mom must be his/her friend with the same age. And even for a grown-up, a mom must still be his/her counselor. No matter how mature and independent you think you are, she will always be the first person who's worried so much when you are sick.


And talking about discolored-laundry experience...I got one yesterday. Ughhhhh...so nyebelin. I soaked a tank top, a tee, a shirt -all in pink, and a purple sleeveless tee together with a black cardigan. I've worn that cardigan for long that I didn't think it would cause any problem anymore. Hey btw, I reckon laundry is similar with baking a cake in a sense that I’m always eager to see how ‘the output’ is gonna be. And…Surprise! Surprise!! Yea, rite...I could only save the sleeveless tee!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I remember my mom teaching me to wash dark-colour clothes separately. I remember my mom teaching me to let all the clothes wet evenly before pouring the detergent to prevent it from leaving any stain on the clothes. I remember my sis telling me to read and follow the 'care instructions' tag inside the clothes. I remembered all those things clearly when I was about to do the laundry, but I didn't follow any. So naughty!!! The choices now are obvious, I suppose: (1) to scrap them, (2) to be creative enough to conceal the spot so that I can still wear them, or (3) to be brave enough to wear with a positive thought in mind that it may become the new fad for 2006!!! Hahahahaha... Well for me, I think I’m gonna choose no (2), those are my fave clothes and one is even still brand new :( But come to think of it… no (3) is also not too bad… ;p


I miss my mom. I'm honestly grateful to be her daughter.

"Time flies..."

I was about to post a line or two yesterday when suddenly I realized that I had to go to 'work'. I had an 'early' schedule yesterday for a really 'BIG' and 'important' job. O well, that how she sounded. So...important that it was called off right when I was few meters away from the place where we're supposed to meet, which happens to be the resto I work for, simply because of lack of communication between the couple. Yea, shits happen, especially when dealing with your boss who's always RIGHT.

Anyway, Christmas is around the corner. That was the first thing came into my mind when I got up yesterday. It doesn't feel like Christmas here, though... Is it because I'm too busy working??? But what am I gonna do then if I don't work? Hhhhh...I just had a thought about what I was doing this time last year -trying to meet everyone dear before leaving- and what I will be doing this time next year -looking for a job, perhaps??? "Time flies..." that's the line introduced when I met him for the last time last year, that's the line I've felt so true eversince...

One of the Diners' Shows

I reckon last night was a very chaotic Monday night!!!

It only took few minutes after my waitress friend asked me whether Monday night had always been that quiet with only one or two reservations made when suddenly customers kept on coming. No empty table left. Dirty plates were pilling up. Waiters/waitress were running back and forth and sometimes bumping into each other. Dishes ready to be served were waiting to be picked up by us who were also too busy with other routines such as being friendly with all customers (including greeting the 'new comers' and dealing with 1001 types of customers), taking some orders, pouring the wine (or even simply some water), making sure that the rice in the pot is HOT, collecting used plates, and cleaning up messy tables thing, etc. And all the sound that I could hear was either the voice of customers sitting at my row or of my boss(es), with customer's laughter as the background overriding the music played 'too' softly. I thought those whole thing belonged to weekends.

After all, I still think of those routines as pieces of a role play. Everytime I start working, I feel like I'm starting a show from which I get the heebie-jeebies, a show which has an introduction, a build-up to climax, an anti-climax, and a closure, and a show in which I become one of the players and also one of the directors -as I watch every stage of the play in each table, I learn the characters of the players there and put some efforts to adapt to them, and sometimes I try to phase the run of each table so that a climax in one scene doesn't coincide with the other (meaning I got ample time to take care each and every one of them). And I always get very excited, even until now I guess, when it comes to 'dessert or coffee time' for it signals the end of the show and everything has run smoothly so far.

Talking about the characters of the players, I find it interesting to know that there are many different kinds of people (or perhaps the word 'customers' is more approriate in this case) in their own time. And some of them even came from far places like Helsinski and Johannesburg.

There are those who are extremely polite with a perfect table manner; those who are surprisingly unhypocritical and appreciative; those who are occupied with the long-time-no-see chat and the presence of dishes is the only break they allow; those who are still teenagers and as you may already guess, the girls look more mature (I reckon they're on their first dates ;p); those who are celebrating their youth with booze and any other things; and those who are in love (I can see it from the way the gentleman touches her and the way the lady looks at him) but at the same time still able to steal some moments to flirt me.

On the contrary, there are also those who 'don't really stick to' any table manner (including ordering to have so many entrees and main courses all together at the same time that I find it difficult to arrange them nicely on a limited space); those who just try to be polite and say something nice (well, some of them are great pretenders, I must say); those who are irritatedly rude and treat us like inferiors (most of the time I found them to be Asians, sorry to say) or who are very grumpy in the extreme; those who don't seem to enjoy the idea of having dinner together and silence is the 'ambience' they choose; those who are in their late 50s or 60s, who already had their best years and managed to preserve the sparks of their love; those who choose or have to have their meal only by him/herself (some find their own excitement of being alone with a book or papers, some are overwhelm with nostalgia, some look really don't care about anything but the good food); and those who are even fighting over which food to order.

And for last night, the show ended with a closure from my boss, "Everyone is happy." Yea, I guess that could be true, except for us, the waiter/waitress who were still stacking chairs and mopping the floor until late.

The "Being Happy" Talk...

We were studying for the final exam that night when I, out of the blue, asked my friend what he saw as he looked back to the past. I thought it's only me who says, "Ooo...I was very much happier on those days...I wish I could be there longer, when things were so straightforward, simply because I didn't know the complexity ("Ignorance is bliss," he said)...I wish I knew it weren't gonna last long that I could treasure it more..." No matter how worn out I was actually made throughout those times, I can only refer it as a happy period of time compared to now.

 

So, "Morale of the story...," I said, "Stop grumbling (i.e. go back to study!!! =p ) about what we're doing because someday we're gonna see these moments as a happier hours compared to what we will be going through at that time." Then I said to myself, "Or shouldn't it mean that what we're having now, how bad it is, will be nothing in comparison to what we're gonna experience sometime in the future? But don't we grow in our capabilities to cope with problems?" Hmmm..."I dunno...I don't wanna think about it now, but  I think I got the point...that I have to enjoy (=be happy of) every second I'm living now, without reminiscing so much about the past, nor putting so much burden or hope about the future. Just living for the moment, in the present time. May be that way I won't someday stop and look back and say, "I should have...” or “I could have..." In other words...I gotta enjoy every word I read and write during this revision??? Hughhhhh…Such a revelation!!! =)

Soon after the exam was over (phuihhhhh...at last...!!! A 3-month holiday, I'm cominggg…), I proved it to be true. How on earth could I possibly know that now is the last time I'm doing this or that? Yea…sometimes I can tell…But, what if I’ve, in fact, already had that last chance without realizing it? Perhaps, there won’t be so much loss if I do every single little thing as if it were my last chance, just like what people say. I believe I will see everything differently then. Hey, it was actually what I’ve learned when I was working on my last days before quitting, when the no-more-time-left-to-fix-everything-I-thought-I-could was the reality that I had to accept. So why did I fall into the same mistake? 

 

Hey btw, if it’s true that when we look back we feel that we were happier before than today. And if it’s true that, consequently, we regret why we didn’t feel really happy at that time, while we can, as now we can’t feel that way again (i.e. not happy). Then what happens when we die? Assume, for the moment, we all believe in the life after death and we believe that there will be Heaven and Hell. If we end up in Hell, we must regret if we didn’t choose to be a happy person and to be content with our lives on earth as we’re gonna spend another life miserably for eternity. But what if we go to Heaven? Will it matter whether we had a happy life or not as we’re entering an infinite time of happiness? 

 

Well, for the time being…I’ve decided that I wanna be happy. I‘ve proven it myself (perhaps it’s unnecessary) what my sis told me, that being happy wasn’t supposed to depend on other person(s) existence…you just can’t.

Procrastinating = dealing with things having option-like features?

How many times did you hear someone saying (or may be you telling yourself) something like...never put off until tomorrow what you can do today? And how many times then, did you actually do what you should do or could do straight away? Well, may be I'd better start to increase the number. 

"I'd better do it tomorrow, first thing in the morning (!!!), when I can think clearer." Or "I usually work best in the evenings." Or "I just wanna keep it this time, I'm gonna read it later when I got time." I said those lines quite often, I guess...and may be most of the times, I only did the work until I really had to, and regretted as I thought that I could have done it better if only I'd had more time. 

Yea, that's what happened with the bloggin' thing. I wanted to scratch some words few days ago, when every single things were still fresh in my mind. Yet I let it stay only in my mind until last night, when I actually went to friendster and found the "Our Apologies" thing again and again... Now you see why delaying something is not the best thing to do, while in Corporate Finance, which I've been taught recently =), it's said that it may be optimal not to exercise an option, even the one with a favourable intrinsic value, early as it kills the time value of the option. In other words, not delaying the exercise may cost you losing the chance to see how things turn out to be and resolve the uncertainty.

So...can we (or should we) treat "every option" we face in the real life like the way we think of "real options" in Finance? =)